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Aug 012017
 

What images come to your mind when you hear BDSM?  For most people, the answer is whips and chains, blindfolds and paddles.  Those who view it from the outside might assume that BDSM is weird and abusive.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.

It’s about trust

At its core, BDSM is about trust.  It’s about letting go of control, surrendering to a caring lover, and being held in a space of vulnerability.  And the really juicy thing about it is that it can be incredibly exciting and erotic.  In letting go completely and trusting a partner, we can move into a space of exhilaration and delicious sensation that is as healing as it is intimate and sensual.

There are many forms of sensory play that fall under the heading of BDSM.  We can move into a space of power-play or domination and submission, where one partner surrenders control to the other.  We can use spanking or flogging to bring intense sensations into our play, bringing in an element of sadomasochism.  Restraints might be introduced, bringing us into the realm of bondage and discipline.  All of this can be described as BDSM, and yet each offers its own unique sensation and emotion to the sensual experience.

Just another way to play

Those who have never dipped into the world of kink often feel that BDSM is perverted, that it involves objectifying or dehumanising your partner.  If you’ve experienced it, though, you know that this is one of the most intimate, nurturing, and loving ways that we can relate to one another.  In many ways, it can be more intimate than conventional sexuality.  The play is arranged in advance with clear, intimate communication, given a container which allows the play to be fulfilling for all involved, and inviting a deep and unique erotic bond.  Communication and trust are key elements in BDSM, more so even than in the more “vanilla” forms of intimate and sensual play.

Power play, sensory play, and bondage are far more common than many realise, and those who bring kink into the bedroom are just as healthy and normal as those with a more conventional approach to sex.  In fact, studies have shown that those who have brought BDSM into their sexual experiences tend to have a higher sense of self-esteem, a clearer understanding of their needs and desires, and a greater capacity to communicate these desires, both in and out of the bedroom.

Never abusive

BDSM is about surrender, about letting go of control and moving into feeling.  Beyond the head, beyond story and judgment, and into a place of sensuality and release.  It touches upon the element of power, which is deeply erotic and enticing from many angles.  And, though pain might be brought into the play, it’s done from a consensual, ethical, and nurturing space rather than one of abuse.  When coming from a loving and caring space, bondage, power play, or sensory play can incredibly heighten the excitement of intimacy.  Rather than being abusive, the limits are always clearly defined beforehand and carefully controlled.  This creates a safe space for our deep, juicy, and naughty desires to be explored.

Safe words

One thing that it’s helpful to understand about BDSM is that there is a theatrical element to it.  We get to play out scenes and fantasies that have been charged with excitement and desire, exploring them in a healthy and deeply erotic way.  This is the reason that safe words are used.  Safe words are neutral signals that a sub (submissive) can use to stop the play.  They allow fantasies to be played out where the sub begs for the play to stop, secure in the knowledge that it will continue so long as it remains juicy and exciting.

Subs are in charge

Another aspect of BDSM which could be a bit counterintuitive for those viewing it from a distance is that the subs are actually in charge.  They arrange clear limits beforehand based on their own personal boundaries and have the capacity to stop the play immediately with the safe word.  The observance of these limits is in the nature of a trust, and it forms the foundation of the play.  The Dom, or dominant, may act like they are in charge, but their role is to be caring and nurturing, deeply tuned in to the needs and desires of the sub throughout the course of the play.  This creates an environment where we can experiment with power and surrender from a safe and healthy space.  What’s more, playing with power in this way can be intensely erotic and exciting.

Intimacy

One vital element that BDSM really brings to the surface is intimacy.  Intimacy is something different from sex.  It is clear, authentic, emotional communication.  And to be truly intimate, we have to be vulnerable.  We can be sexual without being intimate and vice versa.  But it’s the intimate space that’s both truly healing and is the source of healthy arousal.  BDSM requires honest, ongoing discussion, before the play begins, throughout it, and afterwards.

Openly expressing our sexual desires and curiosities requires a certain degree of vulnerability that is in itself healing.  In being received in this space, we learn to trust, to communicate, to accept both ourselves and the other more fully.  These skills deepen our relationships and clear away the barriers that keep us from embracing our sensual nature.  And the beautiful thing is that when we move from this space, our quality of life improves on every level, both in the bedroom and in other areas of life.

Jul 032017
 

We live in a busy world.  Lots of pressures, lots of demands, and it can be easy to get caught in a cycle.  Rushing from one thing to the next, and thinking about what’s ahead the whole time.  On top of that, since we were young, we’ve been surrounded by “shoulds” and “ought tos”, things that are ok, and things that aren’t.

The result, all too often, is that we live in our heads.  Focused on something in the future rather than what’s right here in front of us.  Thinking, planning, strategising, making stories.  Worrying about things that haven’t happened and might never happen.  About what we should do or say.  Playing games and roles, sometimes without ever realising that we’re going through the motions.  Wearing masks even in front of ourselves.  And cutting off that sense of feeling which makes life meaningful, joyful, exciting, and truly worth living.

This is what I love about tantra, about Bondassage, about holding space for others to move into a greater depth of feeling.  It happens naturally, as soon as we allow ourselves to slow down.  Once we let go of what the future might bring, even for just a moment, once we start to tune into our sensations, our feelings, a huge weight begins to ease off, one that we might not even have realised we were carrying around.

It goes deeper, too.  So often we’re taught that our desires are wrong.  That we shouldn’t feel this, shouldn’t want that.  But making our feelings and desires wrong doesn’t make them go away.  They are a part of us, signals from within that guide us to fulfil our needs, to step into the joy and vitality life has to offer us.

Tantra is a practice of allowing, accepting, of coming to feel that all parts of us are welcome in this moment, and in each moment.  And, though there might be some understandings connected with it, the core of the process is feeling.  Getting into the body, getting present, using the most sensual aspect of our experience as a medium for moving past our judgment of ourselves, for moving into acceptance on the deepest level, in this moment and each moment.

When we’re living in our heads, in the future, stuck in intellect and judgment, we get tight.  We contract, closing our feelings down, both emotionally and in the body.  But a beautiful, conscious, sensual experience can help us to open up, to let the tightness ease off, and to begin feeling again.  Emotions that have been bottled up for ages come flooding out.  Tensions that we’ve been holding in our bodies slip away, and a sense of peaceful presence comes in that makes every aspect of life more enjoyable, richer and more dynamic.

Our natural state is orgasmic, filled with joy and gratitude for all the richness and beauty of the moment.  And the key to coming back is feeling, allowing, accepting.  Opening up to allow all that life to offer us to come in.  And it’s easy, really.  Fun.  Juicy.  Exciting.  The deepest and most lasting gift we can give ourselves is the willingness to show up for ourselves, right now.  Right here.  To drop our judgment and control, and simply allow our feeling sense of guide the way.

Jun 012017
 

This is a topic that’s close to my heart, one that I’m glad to be able to share with you.  One reason is that on the surface, tantra and BSDM might be seen as completely different ways of exploring ourselves and our sexuality.  Another is that there’s a hunger for this knowledge in the BDSM world, a desire to understand how to take our play further, how to make it whole, healing, and spiritual.

When kink is brought up, it might conjure images of whips and chains, or more extreme forms of power play.  And tantra, though also associated with sex, might seem even more mysterious and taboo.  Where is the intersection point?  Are they even related at all?

In a word: yes.  Intimately.  BDSM and tantra are both deep explorations of ourselves, ways to unlock our sensual, sexual natures.  They each help us to move past the surface values of life and bring in more energy, more awareness, more expansion, and more bliss.

The key is feeling.  Really feeling.  Getting out of our heads and into our bodies, tuning in to the subtle levels of sensation and energy that race through our beings.  Tantra tends to explore this from the level of energy.  Breath, sound, and motion.  How energy builds and moves within us, and how to move with it.  And to do this, we need to surrender.  To truly let go, and to allow the body, the sensation, and the feeling to guide us.  And, once we can surrender and tune in, we begin to tap into a level of vitality, joy, confidence, and authenticity that we never expected possible, and one that extends to every level of life.

And what about BDSM?  It’s a process of surrender.  It’s a way to play with all levels of sensation, building energy and feeling in the body.  We play with all forms of touch – strokes and feather-light touches, light to hard strokes, temperature, pressure of all forms and varieties, different sensations over the entire body.  Kink and sensory play give us the opportunity to touch consciously, directed by the energy, tuned in to one another and to the sensation on the deepest level.

One of my favourite ways of working with this is through Bondassage.  Restraints play with trust and surrender.  They help us to let go, to drop all thought of performance and simply be with the feeling.  Any form of restraint with a loving, conscious partner can be deeply healing, allowing us to move past the chronic need to do and control, helping us to drop fully into the present moment.  Blindfolds allow us to release the need to see, the need to know what’s happening and to engage on a mental level.  The receiver’s awareness is brought to the sensations rising within and playing across the body, no need to act, to perform, to plan, to do.  Surrender and feel.  Just Be.

Also, any form of BDSM is just as much an art of presence for the conscious, caring giver as it is for the receiver.  To provide amazing sensual experiences to a partner, we have to tune in to them on the deepest level, to follow the energy within ourselves, and to observe how it moves within them.

This is the core of tantra.  It is an exploration of our energy, unlocking feelings, expanding awareness, coming into the moment, and following where it leads.  Dropping out of the mind and into the heart, into the body.

Any time we listen within, tuning into the sensation and allowing ourselves to move with it, we are stepping into a tantric way of being.  We are tapping into our subtle energies, our Shakti force, our Chi, the creative force at the core of our beings. This is a deeply healing and vitalising experience.  It’s a movement beyond form or expectation and into an exquisite, organic dance of energy, feeling, and life.

Apr 012017
 

It’s time to debunk a myth that some of us have picked up: sex is not simply for the young.  In fact, it can continue to be fulfilling throughout life.  Even more, sex can improve with age!  And it might have once been taboo to be open with our sexual nature, but those days are gone.  At any age it’s beautiful to share openly and playfully, relating needs and desires to a partner and opening the door for them to share as well.

Some think that desire diminishes with age, but this isn’t the case.  Certainly there are changes that happen in the body.  It might take more time to reach full arousal and to become fully lubricated.  But who’s rushing?  One of the beauties of entering our golden years is that we have more time.  The kids have grown up, the work is behind us, and we can move into our sensual play without distractions or interruptions.

Once we’re older, we know our bodies better.  We know what works for us and what doesn’t.  Sex can be great when you’re younger, but it’s often driven mostly by hormones.  As we get older, sharing of sensual play is more emotional fulfilling, a way to rekindle the passion in a long marriage or deepen a beautiful new relationship.  Also, once we have a bit of life experience under our belt, we tend to let go of ideas about performance and expectation, letting ourselves be really present to the experience.  Most older men know that there’s plenty more to do in the bedroom than just intercourse, and they love to please, to savour the experience, touch, kiss, lick, and caress.  And for older women, the body is often even more sensitive after menopause.  Orgasms can become even more intense than they were in the younger years.

One thing that should be mentioned is that taboos are out the window.  Having more time and more desire means that we have a chance to explore all those things we never experienced before.  Toys, tying, and spanking, role-play and dirty talk.  Openly expressing our sexuality is something exciting and bold.  There’s an entire world of kink to discover, and it’s all fun, exciting, deliciously naughty, and perfectly acceptable.  At any age.

Dating is also something without age limits.  It might take a bit of courage once we get older to step out into the dating game, but online dating services and dating apps are great to close the gap and meet people open to connecting and excited to explore a new relationship.  Society no longer frowns upon older women dating younger men.  Friends with benefits can be deeply exciting and fulfilling.  There are no real boundaries other than those we create for ourselves.

One of the best things about staying sexually active as we get older is that it makes us healthier and happier.  Sex burns fat, improves physical and emotional healthy, increases lifespan, and improves our relationships.  There are no downsides.  It’s beautiful to really own your sexuality, no matter how many years you’ve been on the planet.  So open up, enjoy, and let the later years bring in the best love life you’ve ever had.

Dec 042016
 

merry-christmas-from-bondassage-blissBlessings and good cheer to all for this holiday season. The time has come again, the moments we set aside for connection with family, good food, and celebration of all the year has brought. Time to tap in to our gratitude for the things we have and look forward to another year.

Let’s all remember to pamper ourselves and fit in a relaxing moment or two. As beautiful as the holiday season can be, it can also spin us around quite a bit. In the midst of family chaos and gift-gathering, we all need some time to give back to ourselves. And it feels like his year has been a bit more chaotic than most, with lots of irons in the fire and not enough time to bring them all to fruition. Plenty of growth, and many opportunities to learn to flow with the unexpected events of life.

Bondassage Bliss has been expanding through the year, finding its balance point and opening me and others to new realms of sensuality. I’m excited to be holding several Bondassage training sessions over the course of the following year. These trainings offer the gift of adventure and the opportunity to explore new avenues of pleasure. Bondassage trainings help you to connect with your sensuality and deepen your relationship, to learn the art of both pleasuring and being pleasured in ways you never imagined possible. This training is perfect both for a personal exploration into tantric BDSM and to become a practitioner, sharing the gift of sensuality with others on a professional level. I’ve posted training dates on the website and you’re welcome to message me if you’d like to discuss individual training.

Another new service I’m excited to share is the lockup. This is an opportunity to surrender and completely relinquish control, to experience sensual punishment, or to completely de-stress and enjoy solitude. The lockup session caters to the individual; what you get is exactly what you need. I am honoured to hold this sacred and healing space of total lockdown, and it has worked wonders for those who have received this experience from me. I will be offering a one hour session up to and overnight sessions.

You will see them featured on the website in the beginning of the year.

Most of all, I’d like to offer a thanks to the wonderful clients and playpersons who have shared experiences with me over the year. I feel privileged in helping each of you explore your desire and sensuality, helping you connect with your wild sensual side and surrender into depths of new excitement. Most of all, I’m honoured by the trust you have shown in opening so deeply, in allowing me to hold this space of vulnerability and pleasure.

My hope for the coming year is to open deeper into my own being, to step into the flow of life, explore all of those aspects of myself which call for attention, and live the fullest experience I can. What are your wishes this holiday season? Your deepest desires? And will you give yourself permission to explore them?

Sexy, sensual holidays to you all.

Nov 012016
 

honouring-the-limitBondage play is an exploration, an excursion into sensual realms that are outside the fold of ‘vanilla’ play.  And, in the process of exploration, we each have our limits, an edge that becomes uncomfortable when we pass it.  Respecting our lover’s limit keeps our play hot and healthy, and the key is communication.

Having a pre-play discussion about our limits is helpful, but since bondage is an exploration of unchartered sensual territory, safe words are the way to go.  A safe word is a verbal cue that lets your partner know that things have pushed past the point of comfort.

But why set up a cue at all?  Isn’t it enough to yell “No!” or “Stop!”  when we come up to a limit?  Well, sometimes during the sexual exploration, these words can be part of the play.  Sometimes, when we yell “stop,” we really mean “don’t stop.”  It can be part of the “character” for us to struggle and resist.  A safe word is a cue that doesn’t come up in the normal course of conversation, a word that we agree upon to establish boundaries for the play while letting the role-play go as far as we like.

A safe word can be any verbal cue that we agree upon, but the ones most commonly used are traffic-light signals.  Shouting “green!” can be a cue to encourage your partner, while “amber!” is used to tell your lover that things have suddenly become borderline.  “Red!” is an instant signal that you want to step out of the scenario.  These cues are the default signals recognized by dungeon masters/mistresses.

Things can get a bit trickier if a person is bound and gagged, but in these situations, you can create non-verbal safe words.  Some signals that can be used in these situations are dropping a bell or a ball, snapping the fingers, or opening and closing the hands repeatedly.  A different option is to use three clear and rhythmic grunts as a sign to stop or slow down.  Another beautiful way to keep communication clear is for the dominant to place a finger in the subs hand.  A squeeze of the finger can let the dominant know that it’s fine to continue.

Some of the most extreme forms of domination and submission involve moving past these limits, but the guiding principle is “safe, sane, and consensual.”  Taking the time to communicate what we know about our limits and what we’re open to exploring is the first step.  Following this up with clear safe words allows the play to be taken as far as we want in the moment.

Fun and safe explorations to you all!

Oct 012016
 

never-too-lateI had a friend pass away recently. It was one of those things that came as a bit of a shock. Left me not quite sure how to feel, and I found some heavy thoughts floating through. He was the same age as me, and I couldn’t help but reflect on my own life. If I were to die right now, how would I feel about it?

Life is precious. It’s a gift, every moment of it. An opportunity to step out and live, to be, fully and unapologetically. I want to live without regrets, able to look back upon my life and know that I have lived, that I have dared to reach into the depths and embrace all of who I am. On every front. I want my life to be one that’s been lived to the fullest. No regrets, no aspect of myself that I have left unexplored. For any reason.

In looking back, I can see that I’ve spent long spaces of my life holding back. I held back and hid because of fear, because of the expectation of judgment, because of how I thought I should act, or what I thought I shouldn’t do. I feel like this is something we all do to some degree, many of us spending years or even decades hiding and playing it safe, doing the “oughts” and “shoulds”, keeping those juicy little parts of ourselves in the dark, sometimes until it’s too late.

In a way, these thoughts brought me to a liberating space. Life is too short to let any fears or any judgments get in the way of living. At the same time, while we’re still alive, it’s never too late. At any moment, we can let go of fear and step into those exciting spaces that beg to be experienced, into all those fantasies that call for our attention and wait for us to live them out. Nothing can hold any of us back but ourselves. The time is now, and it’s the only time we have.

While all of these thoughts were swirling around in the back of my mind, I ran across a beautiful article in the Huffington post. Read it here.

This is the inspiring account of a sixty-year old dominatrix, shown fully in her power and glory. Magnificent, sensual, and gorgeous. Living her fantasies and sharing them with the world. I don’t think anyone who looks at her would say that she’s too old to live out her mistress. She’s stunning, and age is irrelevant. Her beauty comes from the full embrace of her power, no apologies, and no holding back. It comes through with a sense of joy and vibrancy, a sense of full aliveness that makes age a non-issue. This shows me what is possible for me, and for each of us.

My takeaway is that it’s never too late to indulge all of those secret fantasies that float through our minds. While we’re still alive, the world is our oyster. This is the message that’s dropping in for me at the moment, and one that I’d like to share with each of you. If you have a dom inside that’s been hiding out all these years, the time is now. If there’s a mistress that whispers from the back of your mind, flitting juicy little thoughts of sensual play through in those uncensored moments, let her out. There’s a whole world of sexuality and sensation, power and surrender, a rich and vibrant aspect of life and relating that heals, awakens, and empowers each of us if we allow it to enter our lives.

As I look out, I see the sun shining brightly, feel the wind on my face, hear the leaves rustling. The world feels rich and full of life. And I feel a juicy little rumbling inside. My inner mistress wants to come out and play. And I’m going to let her.

Sep 022016
 

We all know about the main pleasure zones, the areas where sexual attention is often given and received.  But did you know that there are a host of other areas on the body that can be used to excite and delight?  Knowing just how to touch your lover can heighten the intensity of your lovemaking and exploring these areas together can liven up your love life more than you might expect.

The primary erogenous zones, just to keep our terminology clear, are the mouth, breasts and genitals.  These are the ones we’re all familiar with, but focusing only on these areas can let the action go a bit stale.  The worst thing that can happen in an otherwise loving relationship is to let the sexual play fall into a routine.  So what are the other areas of the body that get the blood rushing and the juices flowing?

The secondary erogenous zones are a bit less obvious, but they still fall into the category of the classically sexy.  Spending a bit of time in these areas is sure to put your lover (or yourself) in the mood.  And if there is enough build-up, they may even be enough to take them over the top. They include:

  • Earlobes
  • Nape of the neck
  • Inside of the thigh
  • Base of the spine
  • Space where the buttock meets the top of the thigh

That’s not all though.  There’s a third layer of pleasure zones in the body, ones that you might not expect without a bit of inside knowledge.  The tertiary erogenous zones are:

  • Outside surface of the little finger
  • Centre of the palm
  • Nostrils
  • Ear canal
  • Sole of the foot
  • Big toe
  • Back of the knee
  • Navel
  • Anus

These are the mains ones, but there are a few others that bear mention.  The scalp and the inside of the elbow are brought alive to the touch.  The fingers are especially sensitive and it’s an almost taboo delight to give loving attention to the underarm, an area full of pheromones and amazingly sensitive.

Avoid getting into a pattern.  Let the attention flow over the body, a touch here, a deliciously sensual slide of a tongue there and you can find the pleasure building to new heights.  What’s more, giving sensual and erotic attention to your partner’s whole body is one of the ways to really show your love.  Take your time and explore, letting each moment of intimacy be a step on the journey of sensual connection.  And receiving this kind of attention from someone who really knows your body and wants to make you feel alive is one of the most exciting experiences we can have.

Real intimacy is all about sharing, feeling and opening up.  Allowing yourself to be present with your lover in new and exciting ways every time you connect.  Exploring all of their delicious hidden pleasure zones (and exploring yours in return) is a beautiful and fun way to deepen the connection, intensify the pleasure you share and keep things fresh.

Happy explorations and beautiful sensual moments!

Aug 012016
 

sex-and-power-bondassageIt’s always been there.

That sneaky little secret. That tiny lurking desire, right at the corner of your mind’s eye.

You know the one I’m talking about. The one that wishes that your lover would just push you down on the bed, slip your panties off and slide their tongue between your legs. Tease you until you can’t help yourself and you’re screaming to have them inside you. Or maybe that edge of intense craving that makes you want to turn over, pin them down and take them like you want them.

Sex and power.

There’s a primal side to our nature and it needs to be expressed. Honoured. And every once in a while, when we drop the polite act, the good behaviour we’ve been trained to along the way, our primal side gets to come out and play. We reach out and press our lover down, envelop them with the intensity of our desire and take them. Or they do the same to us.

This primal nature, the animal intensity within, is part of being human. And it’s an amazing part, if not one of the greatest joys of being alive. In fact, it is the source of our life force, our joy and drive, our will and healing. Sex is an act of sharing, of expressing some of our deepest desires, showing our most vulnerable, most intense, most passionate selves. And at the core, this deals with power. Both taking and giving it away.

This is what Bondassage and what all of BDSM is really about. It’s an opportunity to honour these secret passions, to look our deepest nature in the face and give it full expression. It’s a chance to move into a place of acceptance of these desires, as healthy and right. As part of what it means to be a vital, empowered and sensitive human being.

When we trust ourselves to step out of our everyday, ordinary roles, we allow ourselves to move into spontaneous, exciting and passionate depths, to places that polite society says we’re not supposed to talk about.

We give ourselves permission to take control and to give control of ourselves to another.

This means shining a light on those hidden desires and letting them be seen. And it means moving into a place of trust. Trusting ourselves to act from those depths of intensity and to be received. Trusting our lover to take control and show us how healing and exciting it can be to really let go.

Society has cast a shadow on these more primal sides of being human, on being sexually authentic, free and empowered. But this shadow is undeserved. Those who have dipped into the deeper side of their beings are healthier and more comfortable with themselves. They know who they are and what they want, and they know that, regardless of anything we’ve been programmed to believe, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Authenticity and consciousness in relating is more than just being honest and calm when explaining what’s been bothering you. It also means letting yourself explore those juicy exciting bits of sensuality, within yourself and in your partner. It means opening the doors that were locked for no good reason and letting the energy move you, in whatever way that it wants to. Sincerity means screaming your pleasure at the top of your lungs and knowing that it’s beautiful for this ecstasy to be moving through your body, your voice and your entire being.

Let yourself be, and accept yourself exactly as you are. In all those passionate, primal moments. In every way that your passion wants to express itself through you. Let yourself be fully human, fully alive and fully free.

Jul 012016
 

Wsex-from-the-insidehat if I told you that there’s a whole new level of sexual intensity, passion, and connection ahead of you? A way to feel more, share more deeply, and step into realms of sensuality that you might never have imagined?

We don’t have to think too hard about that one, right? Sign me up. What do I have to do? And that’s the key right there: You don’t have to do anything. In fact, the key is to stop doing.

Many of us have come to think of sex as something to perform. We might even wonder if we’re doing it right. Are we good enough? The mind enters the equation, and we lose presence. We let all these projection and expectations (or projections of expectations) run the show. And that’s a sure way to lose the passion of the moment. When the mind starts running the show, we start to chase the orgasm, our bodies become less sensitive and less responsive, and the sex starts to follow a script. And when this happens, passion starts to slide away and all of those little things that the mind is good at, begin to take centre stage.

Sexual connection is one of the most natural things we can share. The energy rises, the passion mounts and our bodies move us into a beautiful expression of ecstasy. The key is to let that happen. Instead of doing sex, let the sexual energy do you. Don’t think about it, and don’t rush it. Just let the energy lead the way. This lets the passion build naturally, nothing forced, just rising in you with spontaneity and building into delicious sensual play.

The trick is to let go. Let go of the idea of what you want to do or how you think it has to be. Get present. Just feel your body. Spend some time with your lover. Don’t wait for the right moment, just feel it and follow it. This takes a bit of practice, especially when we’re so trained to plan, think, and let the mental chatter govern every aspect of our lives. The practice is to stop and listen. Listen to your lover and listen to yourself, to the energies that rise in your body. And when they lead you to reach out, to touch, to embrace or kiss, just follow the flow.

One thing that helps is to just slow down. Linger with the kiss. Breathe into the embrace. Relax into the sensual connection. Drop in to the body and feel how every sensation is heightened. Let the desire build, let it excite you, arouse you, open you, and show you what your body really wants. Right now, in this moment. The more you relax and allow it to be, the more you’ll feel the delicious tingle of sexual energy coursing through your body. This is sex from the inside.

As soon as we let go, as soon as we stop forcing it, everything flows with grace and ease. Don’t rush to the orgasm. There’s no need to set a schedule, follow the script, play up to any expectations, no need to do anything. The most sensual, delicious feelings are there for those that just allow their connection to be. The sensual embrace, the passionate kiss, the lingering gaze might not turn into a romp in the bedroom. Or it might. But either way, it will leave you feeling alive and vibrant, sexy and seen. With this kind of presence and the simple act of allowing, we open the door to a closer, more fulfilling, and more exciting connection. And the intimacy that comes from this connection, whatever form it takes, is filled with the most passion and ecstasy that we can share.