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May 012018

Bondage has been part of the sex life for people all across the world for hundreds of years. But for many, it has been considered taboo, kept behind closed doors and spoken of only in a whisper. Thankfully, that has been changing over the last few years. Odds are, if you haven’t gotten a bit kinky in the bedroom, you have in your fantasies. If it’s time to bring these fantasies to life – and into the light – here are a few things you need to know.

First of all, what is bondage, anyway? And why is it so exciting?

Unless you have experience in the world of BDSM, it’s easy to have some misconceptions about it. On the surface, bondage is exactly what it sounds like: the use of ties, bindings, or restraints to enhance the sexual experience. But it really goes much deeper than that.

Handcuffs and blindfolds come into the scene often, but the core of bondage is trust. It’s about surrendering to your partner, or having them surrender to you. In the process, we are able to let go, become totally absorbed in the sensation, and allow ourselves to be held in a luscious sensual space. On top of that, bondage is a light entry to BDSM, helping us to explore our taboo fantasies and push our boundaries, and to make some really exciting discoveries in the process.

So, when it comes time to spice up your love life with a little kink, here are a few easy tips to get you started:

1. Talk About It

Sometimes, this is the hardest part. If you and your lover have been having vanilla sex over the course of your relationship, you may feel nervous broaching the subject. One way to ease into it is to plant a seed. You may want to bring in some erotic fiction or a sexy film. This can get the idea floating around, and maybe even change your lover’s perspective.

From there, you can start to share some of your fantasies, and open the floor for your partner to share theirs. Explore what turns your partner on – and off. See where they’ve been going in their taboo daydreams. They may surprise you. Plus, even if you never choose to go there physically, it’s incredibly hot to go into some of the exciting things you can explore together in the bedroom. This conversation alone can lead to some steamy sensual time.

2. Trust is Key

I know, I mentioned this above. But remember, bondage is about surrender. And you want to make sure that you trust the person that you relinquish your power to. So, this may not be best to explore with that new Tinder date or the person you’ve just met. Make sure you feel comfortable and safe with them. When shared between consensual adults on a foundation of loving, conscious communication, bondage can be both thrilling and deeply healing.

3. Go Slow at First

Here’s where a common misconception comes in. For those who haven’t explored BDSM, it may conjure images of whips and chains, intense fetish play, gags and blindfolds. And, though you may wish to explore this all in time, it can be a bit overwhelming all at once. The truth is, there is an entire spectrum of bondage play, from simply holding the arms down during sex to some of the wildest and most out there fantasies you can imagine – and probably some you can’t! And light bondage play can be just as exciting as the more intense stuff, especially at first.

Basically, you want to meet where both you and your lover are comfortable, not jump off into the deep end before you’re ready. So, start with simple things. A blindfold is a nice start, and it’s a great way for you or your partner to tune out the visuals and just focus on sensation. Plus, they’re non-intimidating, and can help your partner to feel comfortable with this new sexual exploration. And you don’t need a store-bought blindfold for this; a silk scarf, tie, or pair of tights will work just as well.

When it’s time to move into more official bondage territory, light restraints are an excellent starting point. Practice your knots beforehand so that you know how to untie them easily and quickly. You may even want to work with Velcro or easy- release clips. And avoid things like ties or nylons for restraints. Ties can tighten into difficult to remove knots, and because of the stretch factor, nylons can become uncomfortably tight under pressure. As you explore with your lover, each of you will have new inspirations come in, so you can follow the flow to take your journey from there.

4. Communication is Essential!

The talking doesn’t stop once the play begins. In fact, this is one of the most exciting things about exploring BDSM with your partner. It can get you both talking, sharing about how you feel in the moment, about what you want to feel.
If you’re in the dominant position, check in with your partner. And, if you’re in the submissive position, share how it feels. Is it what you want? Are you coming closer to a boundary that you aren’t ready to cross? Speak up!

Since this is a mutual exploration, there may be things that you don’t know you like until you move into that territory. That’s why, in BDSM, there are soft and hard limits. Soft limits are those areas that we may be hesitant about, but are willing to try if the mood takes us there. Hard limits are absolute “no’s” where to go there is a violation of trust. Remember SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

One of the most important aspects for BDSM is a safe word. This is a word or phrase that you and your lover have agreed upon that signals a “stop!” to the action, whatever that might be in the moment. The more outlandish, the better, so long as it’s a word or phrase that you will both remember and recognise immediately. One common approach for beginners is the traffic light system. Green for “Oh my God, keep going!”, Yellow for “Slow down, take it easy I’m nearing a hard limit”, and Red for “STOP”.

5. Who’s in Charge?

When entering into bondage play, one person is the dominant partner, and the other is the submissive one. One holds the reins, and the other surrenders. But it doesn’t have to be the same person each time. And honestly, before you begin to explore how you feel in each role, you won’t know what you really like.

The best way is to feel into it, to sample each role and see where it takes you. Plus, you may find that you – or your lover – may prefer to be a dom on one day and a sub on the next. There’s no rule that says you always have to take the same role. Again, it’s all about communication, and exploring what turns you both on.

These are just a few tips to get you started. Once you do, you’ll find that the mood will take you into places you both enjoy, and this is part of the beauty of the journey. It’s an exploration and a mutual discovery.

Final tip: Keep it simple at first. You don’t need loads of expensive toys to begin your play – though they can be heaps of fun once you hit your stride. At first, you can just get creative with what you have around the house – ice cubes, feathers, chop sticks, a hairbrush. You’ll be amazed at all the sensations you can bring into your play once you get inspired. Have fun and get excited!

In love and light,


Mar 012018

I love to live my life as a continual opening, a progressive expansion.  This means pushing the boundaries, feeling out my edges and pushing past them when it feels right.  Recently, I moved past one of my edges in a really beautiful way, and I’d love to share it with you.

One thing I’ve been wanting to do for some time is to have a date with an escort.  I hold space for so many clients, offering sensual healing touch and helping them to move into their vulnerability.  But it’s rare for me to open up and allow someone else to hold this space for me.  And we all need it.  No matter where we are on our journey or how wide our hearts have been cracked open.

So, after having had the thought roll through so many times, years, really, I finally did it.  I paid for sex.  But not just sex.  Even on a personal level, the experience offered so much more.  Intimacy. Connection.  Being seen.  Being met and held.  I am so used to holding space for others that this was a real journey for me.  It has helped me to understand my clients better, how they feel when they come to me, the journey that leads them to my door and my session room.

One beautiful realisation is that the experience begins way before the actual meeting.  For me, it began as soon as I really decided to find an escort and gift myself with a new experience.  It’s easy to let hesitation get the better of us.  I did it for years before deciding to take the plunge.  And then, when I finally made the decision, it was as if a weight had been lifted off me.  I was cracking open in a way I hadn’t realised I could.  But making the decision was just the first step of the journey.

After I decided to go for it, I started looking around.  I explored the sites to find an escort that really felt right.  I looked for someone that I really resonated with, or thought I could resonate with, at least.  And even then, I could feel some hesitation creeping back in.  Did I really want to do this?  How could I know that the pictures on the site were genuine?  How could I find someone I could really connect with without meeting them in person?

In the end, I went with my gut.  I found an escort that had a profile I really enjoyed, with pictures that inspired my curiosity.  And I let it go from there.  Surrender to the experience, let the chips fall where they may.  That wasn’t the end of my hesitation, though.  Really, it was just the beginning.

After I’d chosen a beautiful man to share an experience with, I started the process of booking a date.  I sent an email, and one of the first things I noticed about the experience was the response time.  I appreciated that the escort – let’s call him Jason – got back to me quickly and responded openly.  Even before the session began, he was holding space.  Creating a safe and comfortable container for the experience.  After a few emails to feel him out, we made arrangements and set the date.

Aside from the personal experience, I chose to hire an escort so I could feel what it was like to switch roles.  To be the client rather than the facilitator, and feel what my own clients feel when they come for a session with me.  I feel that you only truly understand an experience when you feel it from the inside, and this has shown me so many subtle things about what my clients experience on their journey to my door.

In the days and hours leading up to Jason’s arrival, I had so many thoughts and feelings come up.  I was nervous and excited.  Self-conscious and with tendrils of self-doubt creeping in around the edges.  Questions flitted through my mind.  Would he like me?  What sort of first impression would I make?  Would we even be able to connect?  It’s hard to know when you meet someone online.  Another question I had was: how would he smell?  Smell is big for me, a huge part of the process of attraction.  And there’s just no way to gauge that before a personal meeting.

Catching myself in this spiral, I took a breath.  Lit some incense.  Did a few deep breathing exercises to ground and come back to centre, to drop the mind and get back into my body.  When Jason arrived, I was ready to invite him into my home.

Upon his arrival, I relaxed a bit.  I hadn’t even realised how tense I was.  But he was young handsome, and fit.  And he smelled nice.  But, most of all, he was confident, relaxed, and present.  We spoke for a while, talked and joked.  Jason was witty and funny, honest and well-spoken.  He had all the qualities of an outstanding escort, and I found myself really enjoying the encounter, even before the touch began.  I appreciated that it felt personal, not like a job or a paid session.  Genuine.

We moved into touch naturally.  There was nothing rushed or awkward about it.  And the touch was delicious.  There were a few moments in the beginning where my facilitator side popped in, where I felt the urge to control and direct the experience.  But I was able to catch myself, to step back and allow Jason to lead the experience.  And this was another beautiful thing I noticed – it felt amazing to let go, to give the reins to someone else and let myself be taken on a sensual journey.

I could go on, but much of what follows was intimate and personal.  It is mine, a gift to myself and a delightful indulgence.  But I will say that my time with Jason has left me feeling sexy, confident, and alive.  And I truly value the reversal of roles, seeing what it’s like for my clients when they choose to book a session with me and when we meet for the first time.  And, after the rush of emotions that led up to the encounter, I’m left with even more tenderness for those clients who come to me feeling nervous.  The journey was so much more than just a physical encounter.

Thank you for a wonderful, juicy experience, Jason.  And thank you, to my readers and clients for receiving me in this space.

In love and light,


Jan 012018

Regular self-pleasuring is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and our relationships.  And all too often, there’s a stigma of shame and guilt around it.  Society may have taught us that masturbation is immoral, or unhealthy.  This programming is more than just wrong – it can be actively damaging to our relationships with ourselves and others.

Sex is healthy and beautiful.  And masturbation is just as important as having sex with a partner.  When we self-pleasure, we actually enhance our connection with our lover.  By touching ourselves and making ourselves feel good, we learn our body, exploring what forms of touch really turn us on, how and where we like to be touched.  Keeping the sexual juices flowing means that orgasms come more easily, and it keeps our body fit so that our orgasms can be stronger and more pleasurable.

Our sexuality is part of the deepest core of our being, and by cultivating a healthy sexual relationship with ourselves, we put ourselves in a space where our intimate times with a partner can be even more juicy and delicious.  Self-pleasuring means that we are taking responsibility for our own sexual lives, making sure that our needs are met rather than depending upon a lover to feel fulfilled.  One of the really beautiful things about this is that, when we do share with a lover, we come together from a space of true intimacy rather than need.  From a desire to explore one another’s bodies, to share touch and intimacy and grow closer through the sharing.

With that in mind, let’s make it exciting!  We can add colour, size, and variety into our lives by bringing in some juicy toys.  There are so many to try, and each has its own feel, just as each style of touch elicits unique and delicious sensations.  Plus, this is a very exciting time in the world of sex toys.  We have access to fun and exquisite sensations that people of a couple of centuries ago would have drooled with anticipation over.

Did you know that the first vibrator was invented in the 1880s?  These days, you can find one pretty much anywhere in the world, and you can enjoy it in the pleasure of your own bedroom.  Or living room.  Or kitchen.  Or a bit beyond, if you’re feeling bold and kinky.  But, back in the early days, the vibrator was patented as a medical instrument.  It required an immense generator and was permanently installed in the doctor’s surgery.  Now, that might offer a bit of excitement in itself, but consider the luxury we take for granted.  We can experience delicious and intense sensations anywhere we want, and at the click of a button.

It doesn’t stop with vibrators, though.  There are entire ranges of kinky toys and sex aids, and we each have the freedom to play.  To explore the different forms of pleasure that ripple through our body as we explore exactly how we like to touch and be touched.

So, it’s a New Year.  A time for new explorations.  A time to step out of the rut and live a little.  What would you like to feel?  And what new toys make you excited just thinking about them?  Why not let yourself play!

Love and light,


Dec 012017

How naughty have you been this year?  Really, delightfully, unbelievably naughty?  I sure hope so.  And if not, why not?  What are you waiting for?

Think back on all the delicious sexual adventures you have had this year.  What’s been left unsaid, and what’s been left undone?  Have you been left breathless, taken to the exquisite heights of pleasure?  Have you explored your boundaries and pushed the ones that are there only because of fear and taboos?  Have you explored intimacy and delight, taking them as far as they can go?

The time is now, boys and girls.  Stuff those stockings with some daring, exciting toys.  Set up the bedroom with candles and flowers, creating some space for a juicy adventure.  Give yourself space to do whatever’s been welling up inside and make it happen.  The year is ending, and you want to enter the next ready for a big and beautiful bang.

So, take a little time and take stock.  What has the year held for you so far?  And what would you like it to hold?  What new experiences would you like to bring into your life?  How you open now will set the tone for the next year, creating the energy that shapes the next year’s adventures.  And if you haven’t made it on to the naughty list this year, then you’ll want to in the coming year.  No questions asked. 😉

As huge as this last year has been, the next promises to be even bigger.  Ever more expansion, travel, and new horizons to explore.  I can hardly wait.  And I won’t have to for too much longer.  The next year is right around the corner.  I’d like to take this changing of the seasons as a time to remember why I’m here.  What I really want, and how I can use the choices offered to me in each moment to move towards it.  And I would like to invite each of you to do the same.

I’d like to wish everyone an indulgent holiday season.  These are jolly times, and jolly means it’s time to bring more delight into your life in every moment.  That’s what this season is really all about for those of us brave enough to explore our boundaries and push the limit.  There’s nothing like a little bounding and bouncing to make this season all that it can be.  And to follow it up, let’s all have the most glorious, delicious, and inspiring entry into the new year.  After all, now is the time to be alive.  It’s the only time we ever have.

So, without further ado, I give some holiday blessings to each and all.  Get excited, get a bit sexy, and above all, make your way onto the naughty list.  That’s where all the fun is.  Sending a wink and a smile and a “Ho ho ho” to everyone.

Love and light

Nov 012017

How do you like your bush?  Neatly trimmed?  A triangle or a runway?  Completely clean shaven?  Or absent entirely?  Have you ever thought about it?

So many young women and men feel pressured to remove their body hair.  Modern media and the porn industry depict sexuality with hairlessness, but this wasn’t always the case.

Body hair is a symbol of maturity, of our capacity to make new life.  Biologically, our body hair collects and releases pheromones, the chemicals that signal sexual readiness and evoke powerful responses in our partners.  Our current obsession with the hairless vulva is a reflection of modern media and public opinion more than any real understanding of sexuality.  And this isn’t a consideration for women alone.  It’s currently come into vogue for men to remove all pubic hair as well.  If you enjoy the feel of your body without hair, amazing.  The biggest question is one of motivation.  Are you grooming your body the way you like, or the way you will expect others to like it?

How do you enjoy your body?  How do you like to feel?  Is your regimen regarding body hair based upon what you want or what you feel others want of you?  Do you shave, wax, or apply depilatories because you like to be free of hair, or do you do it because you feel that this is the way to be sexy, to be accepted by others?

When it comes down to it, personal grooming is a personal choice.  It should be something you like.  You have every right to groom yourself to fit the way that you like to feel.  Anyone else’s opinions are secondary, if they even merit consideration at all.

Just to dispel some of the myths that have arisen around our personal grooming, the clean shaven vulva is neither sexier nor more hygienic than the glorious full bush.  Both are beautiful, as is anything in between.  The same applies to men.  Removing our pubic hair can offer a sleek, smooth finish, but it also removes one of the most tangible signs of masculinity and virility.  On a practical level, if we enjoy anal play, a bit of body scaping can clear the path.  But practical concerns aside, our body hair is one of the most intimate aspects of our appearance.  It is a reflection of our most personal choices, how we would like to maintain the sacred space of our bodies.  And there is no one outside of ourselves who can tell us what is right for us.

When it comes right down to it, we are each looking for a person who can see us and love us for who we are.  Without masks or games, without expectations or roles.  And this extends to even the most personal aspects of how we present ourselves to one another and to the world.  What we all want is a person who can see our beauty, regardless of cultural conditioning or societal expectations.  And yet, the only way we can know we’ve found such a connection is to do what we love most, on every level, and see how our preferences are received.

So what do you prefer?  If you love to shave or wax, amazing.  Do what you feel.  And yet, if you’re only going through these challenges to appease a man or fit in with some cultural image, have a bit of a think about it.  One of the simplest and most eloquent ways for us to take our power back is to determine how we would like to treat and maintain our bodies.  And anyone who is worth keeping around in our lives will both respect and love us for exactly what we like.  What do you like?

Sep 012017

Erotic spanking is one of the most natural ways to enter the world of BDSM.  It’s a great way to bring a new sensation into an intimate experience, to introduce a bit of playful pain and heighten the experience of pleasure.  And it’s easy.  All you need is a hand and a buttock and you’re in business.

The ass is a delightful erogenous zone and a bit of playful spanking can leave your lover dripping with excitement.  Spanking stimulates the nerve endings and increases the blood flow, sending waves of endorphins through the body.  With a few light taps, you can vary the sensations of your sensual play and make every touch more exquisite.  Here are all the tips you need to begin your sensual journey into impact play.

A Word on Safety

Before any impact play, it’s important to address safety issues.  The first thing to remember is that all healthy sensual play is consensual.  Talk about your limits beforehand and arrange safe words that you can use when things stray beyond your boundaries.  The beautiful thing about this pre-play discussion is that it heightens the anticipation and can make anything that follows even more delicious.  At, at the very least, it ensures that you have good communication so your needs and boundaries are honoured.

Pay special attention to where you’re spanking.  The sweet spots are the meaty areas of the buttocks and upper thighs.  Avoid the tailbone or higher up the back near the kidneys, as these areas might be injured with impact.  You might want to practice your aim on a pillow or sofa to make sure your swats land where you want them to in the heat of the moment.  And, if you’re using implements like canes or paddles, try them out on yourself first so you know the intensity firsthand.

One delightful tip is to consider the frequency of your strikes. Too many blows in one place or too quickly can be painful – and not in the good way.  Try to keep at least three seconds between strikes and vary where they land.  You want to keep things exciting rather than stray into the territory of discomfort.

If your play has left a few bruises, don’t be surprised.  It happens from time to time.  Just treat the area with ice for 20-30 minutes after the play is done.  If you play with multiple partners, make sure to sanitise your implements thoroughly after play.  Also, don’t overdo it.  You don’t want to desensitise the butt or cause the skin to toughen.

The Warm-Up

With any sensual play it’s important to ease into things.  You might be hot and ready just thinking about your sensual play, but you don’t want to jump out of the gate at 60 miles per hour.  Give your lover some time to let the excitement rise.  The body needs to be prepared for anything more intense, so start slow and let things build.

A spanking can feel delicious on many parts of the body, but one of the best is the ass.  When spanking the ass, you open up the blood vessels and excite the nerve endings of the genitals.  This can heighten the pleasure of any sensation that follows.  Some other areas include the hands, feet, shoulder blades, and the breasts or pecs.  If you do choose to bring your spanking into these regions, remember to keep it light and use a flogger.

The key to getting started is to massage the area to get the blood flowing.  Rub the area with a circular motion and squeeze lightly.  You’ll want your touch nice and warm, so rub the hands together lightly before you begin.  After you lightly rub and tickle the skin to get the sensation going, spank four times, giving a bit of genital stimulation between each blow.  Cup the hand slightly and spank with an upward motion, lifting and exciting the flesh with each strike.  Once you’ve excited the area and warmed it up, you can add a fifth, more forceful slap.

Now that your lover is good and excited, it’s time to step it up a notch.

Assume the Position!

Each position offers its own flavour to the sensual experience.  First, make sure you’re both comfortable.  The more relaxed you are, the more pleasurable the sensations will be.  The most traditional positions are over the knee and lying down.  Lying down is one of the best positions for beginners, as it will allow you to remain relaxed throughout your play.  To provide a bit of cushion and give you both a lift, slide a pillow under the hips.  Over the knee is great to offer a bit of easy restraint.  It’s an ideal position for short range implements and a bit of kinky role play.

If you’re spanking an area other than the buttocks, a restrained or standing position may be preferable.  Restraints can be exciting all in themselves, and they can help to keep the bottom firmly in place as it receives your attention.  Standing is good for those that want to keep the play light, as it is less painful than bent over or lying down.  You’ll want to play carefully, as movement could affect the accuracy of the blows.  For those that would like to get really excited, spanking while doggy-style stretches the muscles and nerve endings, making the sensations much more intense.

The Tools of the Trade

There are a number of different tools that can be brought into your impact play, and each offers their own unique sensation.  Each implement varies in strength and intensity, so you have a wide range of choice to tailor your sensation to your desires.

The first and most obvious implement is the hand.  This is best for beginners, as it is less painful than other implements and you will be better able to feel the intensity of the strikes, moderating it to your lover’s pleasure.  The hand produces a thudding sensation and is unlikely to leave lasting welts or bruises.

Moving up, we have the flogger, a whip-like handle with a number of thick/thin tails. There are many variations to the flogger, and each leaves their own distinct marks.  Fluffy floggers are light and soft, while the leather variety offers a bit more intensity.  Explore to see which one you like best. Next, there’s the riding crop. This is a long, flexible rod with a bit of leather on the end for striking. Even the slightest motion can offer quite a sting and will leave an impressive bruise, so be careful.

The next tool on the list is the paddle.  This is less sever that the long range implements, but can still leave quite a mark.  The feeling of the paddle is similar to a hand, but a bit more intense.  Moving up in intensity, we have the cane.  Canes give a sharp, stinging sensation and is likely to leave marks and thin bruises.  It’s easy to control, but be carful not to overdo it.

Tawses and straps are the tools that deliver the most force.  They are heavy strips of leather with handles.  The main difference between them is the the tawse is split into a couple of tails.  The length and amount of these tails can vary from one tawse to the next.  These offer an intense and thudding pain that reddens the skin and is certain to leave an impression.

Whips are beautiful punishment devices and a delightful addition to any dom’s collection.  They give a quick, sharp sting and leave long thin welts.  The use of a whip can be quite an art, so make sure you practice before bringing it into your sensual play. Remember to vary the frequency and placement of your strikes, and it can be exciting to alternate each blow with pleasurable sensations.


After a bit of punishment, the sub can feel tender in a few ways.  Physically, it helps to use the spanked area, soothing it and letting the sensations fade.  On a deeper level, the sub can slip into “sub space” during punishment play.  This is an altered state of consciousness that heightens sensation and leaves the sub in a dreamy, unfocused place.  The chemical rush can be so intense that it will leave some subs a blubbering wreck.  Make sure to ease their re-entry into reality with beautiful, loving attention.  Give them time to come back slowly, and they will love the experience from beginning to end.

Last Words

It can be amazing to bring impact play into the bedroom, but take it slow.  Ease into the exploration, making sure that both parties love every moment of our journey.  Have fun and find out how exciting it can be!

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Aug 012017

What images come to your mind when you hear BDSM?  For most people, the answer is whips and chains, blindfolds and paddles.  Those who view it from the outside might assume that BDSM is weird and abusive.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.

It’s about trust

At its core, BDSM is about trust.  It’s about letting go of control, surrendering to a caring lover, and being held in a space of vulnerability.  And the really juicy thing about it is that it can be incredibly exciting and erotic.  In letting go completely and trusting a partner, we can move into a space of exhilaration and delicious sensation that is as healing as it is intimate and sensual.

There are many forms of sensory play that fall under the heading of BDSM.  We can move into a space of power-play or domination and submission, where one partner surrenders control to the other.  We can use spanking or flogging to bring intense sensations into our play, bringing in an element of sadomasochism.  Restraints might be introduced, bringing us into the realm of bondage and discipline.  All of this can be described as BDSM, and yet each offers its own unique sensation and emotion to the sensual experience.

Just another way to play

Those who have never dipped into the world of kink often feel that BDSM is perverted, that it involves objectifying or dehumanising your partner.  If you’ve experienced it, though, you know that this is one of the most intimate, nurturing, and loving ways that we can relate to one another.  In many ways, it can be more intimate than conventional sexuality.  The play is arranged in advance with clear, intimate communication, given a container which allows the play to be fulfilling for all involved, and inviting a deep and unique erotic bond.  Communication and trust are key elements in BDSM, more so even than in the more “vanilla” forms of intimate and sensual play.

Power play, sensory play, and bondage are far more common than many realise, and those who bring kink into the bedroom are just as healthy and normal as those with a more conventional approach to sex.  In fact, studies have shown that those who have brought BDSM into their sexual experiences tend to have a higher sense of self-esteem, a clearer understanding of their needs and desires, and a greater capacity to communicate these desires, both in and out of the bedroom.

Never abusive

BDSM is about surrender, about letting go of control and moving into feeling.  Beyond the head, beyond story and judgment, and into a place of sensuality and release.  It touches upon the element of power, which is deeply erotic and enticing from many angles.  And, though pain might be brought into the play, it’s done from a consensual, ethical, and nurturing space rather than one of abuse.  When coming from a loving and caring space, bondage, power play, or sensory play can incredibly heighten the excitement of intimacy.  Rather than being abusive, the limits are always clearly defined beforehand and carefully controlled.  This creates a safe space for our deep, juicy, and naughty desires to be explored.

Safe words

One thing that it’s helpful to understand about BDSM is that there is a theatrical element to it.  We get to play out scenes and fantasies that have been charged with excitement and desire, exploring them in a healthy and deeply erotic way.  This is the reason that safe words are used.  Safe words are neutral signals that a sub (submissive) can use to stop the play.  They allow fantasies to be played out where the sub begs for the play to stop, secure in the knowledge that it will continue so long as it remains juicy and exciting.

Subs are in charge

Another aspect of BDSM which could be a bit counterintuitive for those viewing it from a distance is that the subs are actually in charge.  They arrange clear limits beforehand based on their own personal boundaries and have the capacity to stop the play immediately with the safe word.  The observance of these limits is in the nature of a trust, and it forms the foundation of the play.  The Dom, or dominant, may act like they are in charge, but their role is to be caring and nurturing, deeply tuned in to the needs and desires of the sub throughout the course of the play.  This creates an environment where we can experiment with power and surrender from a safe and healthy space.  What’s more, playing with power in this way can be intensely erotic and exciting.


One vital element that BDSM really brings to the surface is intimacy.  Intimacy is something different from sex.  It is clear, authentic, emotional communication.  And to be truly intimate, we have to be vulnerable.  We can be sexual without being intimate and vice versa.  But it’s the intimate space that’s both truly healing and is the source of healthy arousal.  BDSM requires honest, ongoing discussion, before the play begins, throughout it, and afterwards.

Openly expressing our sexual desires and curiosities requires a certain degree of vulnerability that is in itself healing.  In being received in this space, we learn to trust, to communicate, to accept both ourselves and the other more fully.  These skills deepen our relationships and clear away the barriers that keep us from embracing our sensual nature.  And the beautiful thing is that when we move from this space, our quality of life improves on every level, both in the bedroom and in other areas of life.

Jul 032017

We live in a busy world.  Lots of pressures, lots of demands, and it can be easy to get caught in a cycle.  Rushing from one thing to the next, and thinking about what’s ahead the whole time.  On top of that, since we were young, we’ve been surrounded by “shoulds” and “ought tos”, things that are ok, and things that aren’t.

The result, all too often, is that we live in our heads.  Focused on something in the future rather than what’s right here in front of us.  Thinking, planning, strategising, making stories.  Worrying about things that haven’t happened and might never happen.  About what we should do or say.  Playing games and roles, sometimes without ever realising that we’re going through the motions.  Wearing masks even in front of ourselves.  And cutting off that sense of feeling which makes life meaningful, joyful, exciting, and truly worth living.

This is what I love about tantra, about Bondassage, about holding space for others to move into a greater depth of feeling.  It happens naturally, as soon as we allow ourselves to slow down.  Once we let go of what the future might bring, even for just a moment, once we start to tune into our sensations, our feelings, a huge weight begins to ease off, one that we might not even have realised we were carrying around.

It goes deeper, too.  So often we’re taught that our desires are wrong.  That we shouldn’t feel this, shouldn’t want that.  But making our feelings and desires wrong doesn’t make them go away.  They are a part of us, signals from within that guide us to fulfil our needs, to step into the joy and vitality life has to offer us.

Tantra is a practice of allowing, accepting, of coming to feel that all parts of us are welcome in this moment, and in each moment.  And, though there might be some understandings connected with it, the core of the process is feeling.  Getting into the body, getting present, using the most sensual aspect of our experience as a medium for moving past our judgment of ourselves, for moving into acceptance on the deepest level, in this moment and each moment.

When we’re living in our heads, in the future, stuck in intellect and judgment, we get tight.  We contract, closing our feelings down, both emotionally and in the body.  But a beautiful, conscious, sensual experience can help us to open up, to let the tightness ease off, and to begin feeling again.  Emotions that have been bottled up for ages come flooding out.  Tensions that we’ve been holding in our bodies slip away, and a sense of peaceful presence comes in that makes every aspect of life more enjoyable, richer and more dynamic.

Our natural state is orgasmic, filled with joy and gratitude for all the richness and beauty of the moment.  And the key to coming back is feeling, allowing, accepting.  Opening up to allow all that life to offer us to come in.  And it’s easy, really.  Fun.  Juicy.  Exciting.  The deepest and most lasting gift we can give ourselves is the willingness to show up for ourselves, right now.  Right here.  To drop our judgment and control, and simply allow our feeling sense of guide the way.

Jun 012017

This is a topic that’s close to my heart, one that I’m glad to be able to share with you.  One reason is that on the surface, tantra and BSDM might be seen as completely different ways of exploring ourselves and our sexuality.  Another is that there’s a hunger for this knowledge in the BDSM world, a desire to understand how to take our play further, how to make it whole, healing, and spiritual.

When kink is brought up, it might conjure images of whips and chains, or more extreme forms of power play.  And tantra, though also associated with sex, might seem even more mysterious and taboo.  Where is the intersection point?  Are they even related at all?

In a word: yes.  Intimately.  BDSM and tantra are both deep explorations of ourselves, ways to unlock our sensual, sexual natures.  They each help us to move past the surface values of life and bring in more energy, more awareness, more expansion, and more bliss.

The key is feeling.  Really feeling.  Getting out of our heads and into our bodies, tuning in to the subtle levels of sensation and energy that race through our beings.  Tantra tends to explore this from the level of energy.  Breath, sound, and motion.  How energy builds and moves within us, and how to move with it.  And to do this, we need to surrender.  To truly let go, and to allow the body, the sensation, and the feeling to guide us.  And, once we can surrender and tune in, we begin to tap into a level of vitality, joy, confidence, and authenticity that we never expected possible, and one that extends to every level of life.

And what about BDSM?  It’s a process of surrender.  It’s a way to play with all levels of sensation, building energy and feeling in the body.  We play with all forms of touch – strokes and feather-light touches, light to hard strokes, temperature, pressure of all forms and varieties, different sensations over the entire body.  Kink and sensory play give us the opportunity to touch consciously, directed by the energy, tuned in to one another and to the sensation on the deepest level.

One of my favourite ways of working with this is through Bondassage.  Restraints play with trust and surrender.  They help us to let go, to drop all thought of performance and simply be with the feeling.  Any form of restraint with a loving, conscious partner can be deeply healing, allowing us to move past the chronic need to do and control, helping us to drop fully into the present moment.  Blindfolds allow us to release the need to see, the need to know what’s happening and to engage on a mental level.  The receiver’s awareness is brought to the sensations rising within and playing across the body, no need to act, to perform, to plan, to do.  Surrender and feel.  Just Be.

Also, any form of BDSM is just as much an art of presence for the conscious, caring giver as it is for the receiver.  To provide amazing sensual experiences to a partner, we have to tune in to them on the deepest level, to follow the energy within ourselves, and to observe how it moves within them.

This is the core of tantra.  It is an exploration of our energy, unlocking feelings, expanding awareness, coming into the moment, and following where it leads.  Dropping out of the mind and into the heart, into the body.

Any time we listen within, tuning into the sensation and allowing ourselves to move with it, we are stepping into a tantric way of being.  We are tapping into our subtle energies, our Shakti force, our Chi, the creative force at the core of our beings. This is a deeply healing and vitalising experience.  It’s a movement beyond form or expectation and into an exquisite, organic dance of energy, feeling, and life.

May 022017

Maybe you’ve had a desire or two hanging around in the corner of your mind, a little something naughty that might be fun to explore.  But when’s the right time to bring it up?  When is it right to step outside our routines and bring a bit more excitement into our relationships and lives?  The answer: now.  Every moment is a chance to start something new.  Each moment is an opportunity to set out on an adventure, think outside the box, and explore something you’ve been wanting to experience.

It’s time to take stock of those hidden desires and taboo pleasures to see how we can bring a new spark into our relationships.  The beautiful thing is that you don’t need to be a bondage expert to give an amazing bondassage session.  Just give it a go, tap into some imagination and get a basic understanding around your partner’s needs and desires.  Explore some tools you’d like to bring into the sensual play, get started, and away you go!

You can offer your partner a whole range of different sensual touches with just what you have around the house.  The flat of a hairbrush is beautiful for a little light spanking, or a touch harder if that’s where the energy wants to go.  And a light stroke with a toothbrush or the tines of a fork can send chills throughout the whole body.  The drape of a light scarf along the skin can be exquisite.  And bringing fruit or chocolate into the bedroom can be deliciously exciting.  Just think about how it might feel to have passionfruit drizzled over your body and then sensually licked off with your lover’s tongue.  So challenge yourself to look around, do a little kinky brainstorming, and see what you come up with together.  Even just having the conversation around the things you’d like to bring into your sensual play can be enough to get the blood boiling.

And, if you’re having some trouble thinking of some new ways to play, you can get a book and read it together, following the instructions at first, and then seeing where things want to go.  There’s a range of beautiful works on the subject, and even exploring what you can find together is a great way to explore new ideas and open the floor to share some secret desires with your partner.  Some of my favourite pieces to explore with a lover are The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand and Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas.  Both are sensual and thrilling, perfect for a couple to begin their exploration of bondage and sensual play.

Of course, if you’d like to fast track your way to picking up juicy new things to share in the bedroom, you can always find a practitioner of the sensual arts.  This can be exciting to share in its own way, and a luscious gift to the relationship.  All it really takes is to get started, tune in to your own needs and desires, and listen to your partner share their own.  Once you get going, you’ll find new ideas coming thick and fast, and this brings in a whole new level of exciting exploration into the partnership.

So, what would you like to experience?  And what would you like to share with your partner?  What juicy new sensual adventures can you set out on together?  Just challenge yourself to think outside the box and bring in some imagination, and you’ll be amazed how thrilling things can get!