We’re all a bit curious about the shadow side of sexuality. BDSM is the art of bondage and discipline, dominance and submission. Due to the stigmas surrounding it, BDSM has been practiced secretly for centuries. Only now is it beginning to gain some acceptance in more public circles. But psychologists now recognise that the exploration of our taboos and shadow side can lead us to transformation and healing. Not to mention a level of excitement that is hard to find outside of clandestine encounters.
But what is it about domination and submission that has such a profound and healing effect? How can it bring in such depths of bliss and create such a level of self-confidence? More importantly, where can I sign up?
We all want to feel comfortable with ourselves, confident in our sexuality and capable of achieving the heights of sexual ecstasy that some only dream of. What are the keys to making this a reality?
The key is surrender. BDSM offers the opportunity to surrender, especially in a loving and consensual environment. When we work so hard to maintain control, or focus on performance rather than feeling the subtleties of the encounter, we actually block out the most exquisite sensations. So let’s drop the image and let go of control. Let’s invite our partner and ourselves to explore our deeper and more hidden desires, the juicy and exciting aspects of the sexual encounter that we usually deny ourselves.
It all begins with trust. Communicate to your partner things that you would like to experience. Things that you have fantasised about or even things that have left you a bit curious. No need to hide. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and trust in the bedroom can keep things spicy. Talking about what turns you on can be a turn on in itself, and often leads to some delicious moments. Listening to your partner with an open mind is equally important. It’s always a two-way street. Your partner may bring up something you never expected, an idea that sends shivers down your spine.
3. Take it Slow
For some of us, BDSM might conjure up an image of whips and chains, dungeons and pain, but that’s not what it’s all about. You can get there in some really wild play, but it can be just as exciting to play with some light restraint and delicate sensory play. Blindfolds to keep your partner guessing where the next sensation will come from, sliding a scarf slowly along the body, the possibilities are only as limited as our imagination. And while some flogging or waxwork can be exquisite, it’s best to explore your boundaries slowly, together and with clear communication the whole way along. There’s no rush.
BDSM can bring the spark back into your love life, or turn an already succulent connection into something that knocks your socks off and drives you wild. And the true beauty of this play is how deeply it can bring in trust, both of our partners and ourselves. When we give ourselves permission to explore our shadow side, we learn how to accept ourselves on a deeper level than we ever realised possible.