Hey folks, and welcome to 2020.
In many of our past articles, I’ve shared some of the practical things you can do to explore kinky play with your lover. Everything from blindfolds to ice cubes, and more. But there’s another side of it that deserves just as much attention. This is the emotional side.
When we let ourselves get a bit naughty and explore our taboos, we’re stepping into a place where we can explore our deep and forbidden desires. We let go of some of the rules and expectations, and let loose those wild notions that have been lingering just beneath the surface, waiting for expression.
That’s why BDSM, done right, can be so incredibly healing and empowering. It’s about giving our power over to another while in a safe space or being given the opportunity to have power over another. When we are lovingly held in a space of surrender and trust, we learn to let go and trust ourselves more fully in other areas of life. It becomes a healing, conscious form of power play.
Part of this comes out in how we treat our partner during play. In many cases, humiliation can heighten the experience, deepen the role-play, or evoke a thrill of excitement. Verbal abuse might come up, insults, mockery, ridicule, or derision, and this can seem a bit odd for those who haven’t stepped into that form of play. And it isn’t for everyone, but think back for a second. Maybe there’s a time where, in the mad passion of lovemaking, enjoyed a swat on the backside or being called a ‘slut’ or ‘dirty girl’ by your lover.
It may not be for everyone, but when done correctly and respectfully, a little humiliation can fan the flames and get things incredibly hot. The key is to make sure you and your lover are in sync. Get to know their line and make sure to honour their needs and desires during your play. And, on the other side, make sure to communicate how you feel during the play. If anything isn’t working for you, speak up! This is how you can work with your partner to improve the bedroom dynamic each time you play.
Where’s the Line?
When you bring humiliation into the bedroom, the most important thing is to know what your partner is comfortable with and to express your own limits as clearly as possible. There’s a fine line here, and you have to observe a balancing act.
Most of us will enjoy humiliation play in some ways. But we all have certain words that just set us off or certain things that we are extremely sensitive about. Everyone’s different, so it’s important to have a clear conversation with your partner beforehand, to determine what’s out of bounds and what’s desirable. Plus, when you’re getting clear beforehand, you’ll want to set some safe words to let you call a stop to the play, or slow things down when they’re getting to the edge of what you’re comfortable with.
When it comes to humiliation play, the biggest thing to watch out for is those words or situations that hit a raw nerve or damage your lover’s self-esteem. And to make sure that you’re safeguarding your own boundaries at the same time. Anytime your language or behaviour is actually hurtful, like an attack on their person or a traumatising experience, it crosses the line from humiliation to degradation.
With all your kinky play, the keys are awareness and sensitivity. Keep tuned in to your partner. Encourage them to share how they feel about your play. And, above all, go slowly. This lets you savour the experience while keeping everyone safe and happy.
With light and love,