Let’s be honest, people. 50 Shades of Grey gets it wrong in loads of places. But, one of the best things that it has done for us is to bring the subject of BDSM to the table. It has opened the door for everyone, regardless of how adventurous – or how vanilla – they might be, to bring a little forbidden excitement in by discussing what BDSM is all about. And this is huge. In a culture where discussions of kink have been less than apropos for the last couple of centuries, we’re just now beginning to move into a place where we can take an honest look at sexuality, desire, and consent.
I just recently watched a beautiful video about this from one of my friends and associates, Mistress Tokyo. In it, she explores the value of consent in our kink and intimate play. Consent is central to any bondage or sensory play. It might not seem like this from the outside. We tend to focus on the naughty or taboo bits, if we don’t have experience with the world of BDSM. But, though issues of pain and power come into play, the core of the situation is about safety and trust.SO, when you get a bit kinky with your partner, the most important first step is to sound them out, to find out what they are ok with.
BDSM covers a wide range of different kink or sensory play, from blindfolds to ropes, spanking to subtle touch. And it can be hugely exciting to explore this realm, bringing new worlds of exploration into your sensual play. But, regardless of how you go about it, the first step is to ask, are you ok with this? May I spank you? Would you like to be blindfolded? May I bind your wrists?
The first thing is that consent doesn’t stop with the first yes. So, so that your partner has given an ok for a bit of spanking. Create a container. Explore how far they would like to explore. Would you like me to spank you like this? Are you ok with this many swats? Would you like to be spanked in this position? Remember that intimate situations can bring a bit of subtle pressure with them. If you get a hesitation or a maybe, then that’s a no. You don’t want to pressure your partner, to say, “Just this once, or come on, you’ll like it!” Let the play evolve naturally. Honour your lover’s boundaries and allow them to open up naturally, in their own time.
In the process, make sure that you continue to communicate. Before you begin your bondage play, it’s important to have set up safe words. A safe word is something that you can say that will immediately end the “scene,” the sexual play. Another great way to go about it is to use the traffic light system. Green means “Keep on going! This is awesome!”, yellow means “slow down, pace yourself” and red means “stop”. Always listen and let your partner determine the pace and depth of the play.
Consent is central to all forms of interaction, from casual connection to sensual touch to kinkier and more delicious forms of intimacy. And, although you might not realise it if you haven’t explored the world of bondage and sensory play yourself, it’s all about trust. On the surface, you give up your power and surrender to another. In the process, you open up to new feeling, new excitement. And, when playing with someone that you can really trust, there’s an element of deep healing that comes in as well.
If you’d like to know more about bondage, consent, or kink, feel free to reach out. I love to share these new realms with those I work with, to open them up to deeper levels of passion and embodiment. If you’re curious and you’d like to explore, give me a call.
In love and light,