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Mar 012018

I love to live my life as a continual opening, a progressive expansion.  This means pushing the boundaries, feeling out my edges and pushing past them when it feels right.  Recently, I moved past one of my edges in a really beautiful way, and I’d love to share it with you.

One thing I’ve been wanting to do for some time is to have a date with an escort.  I hold space for so many clients, offering sensual healing touch and helping them to move into their vulnerability.  But it’s rare for me to open up and allow someone else to hold this space for me.  And we all need it.  No matter where we are on our journey or how wide our hearts have been cracked open.

So, after having had the thought roll through so many times, years, really, I finally did it.  I paid for sex.  But not just sex.  Even on a personal level, the experience offered so much more.  Intimacy. Connection.  Being seen.  Being met and held.  I am so used to holding space for others that this was a real journey for me.  It has helped me to understand my clients better, how they feel when they come to me, the journey that leads them to my door and my session room.

One beautiful realisation is that the experience begins way before the actual meeting.  For me, it began as soon as I really decided to find an escort and gift myself with a new experience.  It’s easy to let hesitation get the better of us.  I did it for years before deciding to take the plunge.  And then, when I finally made the decision, it was as if a weight had been lifted off me.  I was cracking open in a way I hadn’t realised I could.  But making the decision was just the first step of the journey.

After I decided to go for it, I started looking around.  I explored the sites to find an escort that really felt right.  I looked for someone that I really resonated with, or thought I could resonate with, at least.  And even then, I could feel some hesitation creeping back in.  Did I really want to do this?  How could I know that the pictures on the site were genuine?  How could I find someone I could really connect with without meeting them in person?

In the end, I went with my gut.  I found an escort that had a profile I really enjoyed, with pictures that inspired my curiosity.  And I let it go from there.  Surrender to the experience, let the chips fall where they may.  That wasn’t the end of my hesitation, though.  Really, it was just the beginning.

After I’d chosen a beautiful man to share an experience with, I started the process of booking a date.  I sent an email, and one of the first things I noticed about the experience was the response time.  I appreciated that the escort – let’s call him Jason – got back to me quickly and responded openly.  Even before the session began, he was holding space.  Creating a safe and comfortable container for the experience.  After a few emails to feel him out, we made arrangements and set the date.

Aside from the personal experience, I chose to hire an escort so I could feel what it was like to switch roles.  To be the client rather than the facilitator, and feel what my own clients feel when they come for a session with me.  I feel that you only truly understand an experience when you feel it from the inside, and this has shown me so many subtle things about what my clients experience on their journey to my door.

In the days and hours leading up to Jason’s arrival, I had so many thoughts and feelings come up.  I was nervous and excited.  Self-conscious and with tendrils of self-doubt creeping in around the edges.  Questions flitted through my mind.  Would he like me?  What sort of first impression would I make?  Would we even be able to connect?  It’s hard to know when you meet someone online.  Another question I had was: how would he smell?  Smell is big for me, a huge part of the process of attraction.  And there’s just no way to gauge that before a personal meeting.

Catching myself in this spiral, I took a breath.  Lit some incense.  Did a few deep breathing exercises to ground and come back to centre, to drop the mind and get back into my body.  When Jason arrived, I was ready to invite him into my home.

Upon his arrival, I relaxed a bit.  I hadn’t even realised how tense I was.  But he was young handsome, and fit.  And he smelled nice.  But, most of all, he was confident, relaxed, and present.  We spoke for a while, talked and joked.  Jason was witty and funny, honest and well-spoken.  He had all the qualities of an outstanding escort, and I found myself really enjoying the encounter, even before the touch began.  I appreciated that it felt personal, not like a job or a paid session.  Genuine.

We moved into touch naturally.  There was nothing rushed or awkward about it.  And the touch was delicious.  There were a few moments in the beginning where my facilitator side popped in, where I felt the urge to control and direct the experience.  But I was able to catch myself, to step back and allow Jason to lead the experience.  And this was another beautiful thing I noticed – it felt amazing to let go, to give the reins to someone else and let myself be taken on a sensual journey.

I could go on, but much of what follows was intimate and personal.  It is mine, a gift to myself and a delightful indulgence.  But I will say that my time with Jason has left me feeling sexy, confident, and alive.  And I truly value the reversal of roles, seeing what it’s like for my clients when they choose to book a session with me and when we meet for the first time.  And, after the rush of emotions that led up to the encounter, I’m left with even more tenderness for those clients who come to me feeling nervous.  The journey was so much more than just a physical encounter.

Thank you for a wonderful, juicy experience, Jason.  And thank you, to my readers and clients for receiving me in this space.

In love and light,


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