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Jul 012018

Whether you’ve explored that kinky, edgy side of your sexuality or not, it’s there. We all have it. Those hidden desires, those spicy little fantasies. Some curiosity or interest that we might never even talk about. A little ripple of excitement at the thought of a blindfolded sensual encounter, of tying your partner and torturing them with delight, or being tied up to receive some sensual attention.

Whether our love life has been adventurous or “vanilla”, we all share a subtle pull to the taboo side of lovemaking. Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, a little spice of pain to enhance the pleasure. BDSM is a part of sexuality, and it always has been. For centuries, it has been practised in the dark, stigmatised, hidden due to judgment and misunderstanding. Only now is it beginning to come into the light and find more widespread acceptance. And, as it does, we’re beginning to understand that BDSM is a key to deep healing, transformation, and a level of excitement that’s hard to find outside of clandestine encounters.

But why is this? What is it about bondage and discipline that makes it so exciting? What is it about dominance and submission that helps us to heal, to find new heights of confidence and bliss?

Part of the answer is self-exploration. When we hide from ourselves, judge ourselves, when we don’t allow our curiosity to flower, then we’re actually cutting ourselves off from some of the depth we can experience. Giving yourself permission to share and play out your fantasies means keeping your love life vital and juicy. This is only the beginning, though. Exploring the shadow side of our sexuality helps us to connect with something deep, powerful, and intense within us. And it helps us to bring this confidence and power into every aspect of our lives.

Here are some of the keys that we unlock with BDSM, and with any deep self-exploration:

1. Surrender

Surrender is powerful. It might not seem so at first. Especially in a society that values control, it might be completely counterintuitive to think of surrender as a strength. But the thing is that we can’t control everything. And it’s exhausting to try. We can’t control the curveballs that the world throws us. We can’t ensure that other people see us in a certain way, or think about us in a certain way. We can’t even suppress and hide all of those things about ourselves that we have yet to accept. Surrender means coming to terms with that.

BDSM is a key for true surrender, in a way that goes to the core of our being. When we work to maintain control, to try to make things happen instead of allowing them to happen, we actually block out some of the most exquisite sensations. We stay in the head instead of getting present and embodied. BDSM, especially in a loving and consensual environment, gives us an opportunity to surrender. And, when we do, we find a place of delicious sensation and juicy excitement. We are finally able to drop the image, the expectations, all the ways we try to control, and just feel what there is to feel. And this stays with us even after our play, helping us to ease into life from a place of allowing.

2. Trust

Trust is huge. It can be a challenge to trust others. Sometimes, it can be a challenge to trust ourselves. But from a space of distrust, suspicion, and guardedness, we close off to the world, and close off to our feelings. Exploring your taboo desires means taking a leap and trusting your partner. Communicating with them about what you would like to experience. Sharing those fantasies that you might never have mentioned to anyone before. That means being really vulnerable, and it can be scary. What if they are turned off by my fantasy? What if they don’t like it or they judge me for it? There’s no way to feel comfortable about these taboo desires until we start to share them. And then, more often than not, we find that our partner is just as curious, ready to explore some new territory and excited about where it could lead.

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Bringing it into the relationship and into the bedroom can keep things really spicy. And, once again, as we learn to share and allow ourselves to be seen, as our partner shows us that we can trust them, that we can share without fear of judgment, we learn to treat ourselves the same way. This allows us to step out into the world with greater confidence, knowing what we want, and knowing that it’s more than ok to want it. It’s not only natural, our desires are thrilling and powerful.

3. Patience and Presence

How often do you find yourself rushing through one thing, only to move on and rush through the next? And if you feel this way, you’re not alone. So many of us are so caught up in the next thing that we can’t fully enjoy what we’re doing right now. This plays out in sex as well, and it’s a shame. Because our sexual sharing can be the most exquisite, intimate aspect of human experience, and often it’s reduced to just going through the motions.

Part of the reason behind this is expectation and performance. Somewhere along the way, many of us pick up some ideas about what sex should be. What needs to happen during the experience. How we need to perform in order to “measure up”. And, with all these thoughts rolling around, it’s hard to feel ourselves and our partner. Only a fraction of our being is really there.

BDSM helps to break out of the expectations and explore completely new territory. It helps us to slow down and savour the experience, to soak up the sensation and let it lead us where it wants. There’s no headlong rush to orgasm, but a slow build of excitement and feeling. There’s no script. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination.

The beautiful thing about this is that it teaches us to slow down and really feel where we are. Think about it. How beautiful life could be if we really tasted that cup of coffee. If we were able to feel the sun on our skin and soak in the deliciousness of it. We are surrounded by exquisiteness in every moment, full of orgasmic potential. BDSM helps us to slow down and really tune in to what we are experiencing.

Letting yourself explore means embracing yourself as a whole. Accepting yourself, and connecting with levels of confidence, power, and sensuality that you may never have suspected. So what fantasies have been rolling around for you? What taboo desires have been hiding, unvoiced within you? Take a leap. Share what you really want, and see where things go from there.

In love and light,


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