Kink is exciting. It can spice up an already juicy sex life, and bring a spark back into the bedroom when the fires have been growing dim. Many couples are interested in exploring how BDSM can rev up their sexual experience, but it can be hard to know where to start. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that kinky sexual play is wrong, or it’s the sort of thing that “other” people do. Even when both partners are curious, the subject might not come up because both feel afraid to talk about it or unsure how to broach the subject. So here are a few tips for those of you who want to bring more excitement into the bedroom, while showing your partner you respect and value them.
One of the biggest obstacles to a truly fulfilling relationship is a lack of communication. This is even more true for developing and maintaining a really juicy sex life with your partner. If you want to bring kink into the relationship, you have to begin with a firm foundation of trust and respect. Be open to what your partner has to express. Open up the conversation to hear about their desires and fantasies. You may be surprised at what comes up, and it’s guaranteed to be exciting. There’s nothing more sexy than being heard and accepted when you’re sharing your deepest and most vulnerable desires. Kink doesn’t need to be a joke, and there’s no reason to fear it or be embarrassed by it. In fact, it is a bonus in a healthy love life, something that can bring the heat back into the bedroom when things have gotten a bit stale. When you open up and share with your loved one, you open the door to a whole new world of exploration and excitement.
2. Do Your Homework
When you take the first step into unknown territory, things can get a little clumsy. While a bit of feeling it out is necessary when exploring the frontiers of conscious kink, one of the biggest mistakes people make is trying to bring kink in without really knowing what they’re doing. Kink isn’t something you parrot from what you’ve seen in porn movies. Many of us have a distorted understanding of BDSM and sensory play from things we’ve seen on TV or heard from others, and many of these things are exaggerated or misrepresented.
S&M sessions, when done respectfully, are agreed upon in advance. They are respectful of the comfort levels of both individuals, and done with the absolute consent of the submissive, the partner that relinquishes control. In reality, the sub, or submissive, actually controls the experience. Furthermore, respect and loving attention in BDSM means providing aftercare to the sub to allow them to return from subspace gracefully and gently. These are just a few details that everyone should be aware of before stepping into kinky play, but don’t stop there. There are a number of books that give solid and clear details for every aspect of BDSM. In fact, perusing the material with your lover can be a beautiful introduction to sensory play. Here are a few to get you started:
- The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino
- Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers by Jaeleen Bennis & Eve Minax
- Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink: Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays by Midori
3. Take it Slow
One of the most common mistakes made when people first step into the world of sensory play is to rush straight into experiences that your partner isn’t prepared for. Even the subtlest edge of kink can be incredibly for those who haven’t dipped their feet into the pool, and bringing out the big guns can be pretty intimidating when it’s your first time. Start slow, bringing a little touch of spanking here, a bit of bondage there. Work your way into it so that you and your partner are on the same page, eager to explore whatever level of sensory play that both of you are comfortable with. Verbal role-play is a beautiful introduction, and if you’d like to try bondage, work with silk scarves first. Taking it slow lets you adapt to your partners comfort levels and desires, and makes for a much more conscious (and safer) experience than leaping in headfirst.
4. Give Yourself Room to Learn
Many people hesitate to bring in role-play or sensory play because they’re afraid of “doing it wrong.” They might feel silly when they imagine themselves tying up their partner, stepping into the role of dom, or incorporating spanking into the bedroom for the first time. It’s easy to freeze up when we are afraid of doing things imperfectly, not performing up to our imagined standards. The most important thing to remember is that BDSM is meant to be a fun and fulfilling experience for both involved. It’s sexual play, not performance or perfection. Let the feeling be light and easy. It’s all about the connection between you and your lover. There’s no one to impress, and we all need time to grow into the experience. It’s alright to fumble, fart, or otherwise drop the character when it naturally slips. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and let a laugh ease the tension when things come up. The more you can both have fun and play, the more fulfilling the experience will be.
Couples don’t usually start out kinky. It’s something you grow into over time. While some of us are natural sexual explorers, most have been introduced to it by a partner and found it exciting and fun. Introducing sensory play and bondage into the bedroom is often a result of one partner opening up about their fantasies, and the other giving them a chance to indulge in their desires. And if things are done with love, consciousness, and respect, the result is deeply rewarding. The willingness to try new things and step out of comfort zones is the key to stepping into a world of new passion and excitement. The other half of that is respect. Kinky play is a shared experience, a mutual expansion of boundaries and exploration of possibilities. If you’re willing to take the opportunity to co-create new experiences with your lover, you’ll bring a thrill into a good sex-life, and might even rescue one that has run the risk of declining into boredom. Take a chance, and be open to feedback. You’ll step into a new level of satisfaction, excitement, and fulfillment.