This is a topic that’s close to my heart, one that I’m glad to be able to share with you.  One reason is that on the surface, tantra and BSDM might be seen as completely different ways of exploring ourselves and our sexuality.  Another is that there’s a hunger for this knowledge in the BDSM world, a desire to understand how to take our play further, how to make it whole, healing, and spiritual.

When kink is brought up, it might conjure images of whips and chains, or more extreme forms of power play.  And tantra, though also associated with sex, might seem even more mysterious and taboo.  Where is the intersection point?  Are they even related at all?

In a word: yes.  Intimately.  BDSM and tantra are both deep explorations of ourselves, ways to unlock our sensual, sexual natures.  They each help us to move past the surface values of life and bring in more energy, more awareness, more expansion, and more bliss.

The key is feeling.  Really feeling.  Getting out of our heads and into our bodies, tuning in to the subtle levels of sensation and energy that race through our beings.  Tantra tends to explore this from the level of energy.  Breath, sound, and motion.  How energy builds and moves within us, and how to move with it.  And to do this, we need to surrender.  To truly let go, and to allow the body, the sensation, and the feeling to guide us.  And, once we can surrender and tune in, we begin to tap into a level of vitality, joy, confidence, and authenticity that we never expected possible, and one that extends to every level of life.

And what about BDSM?  It’s a process of surrender.  It’s a way to play with all levels of sensation, building energy and feeling in the body.  We play with all forms of touch – strokes and feather-light touches, light to hard strokes, temperature, pressure of all forms and varieties, different sensations over the entire body.  Kink and sensory play give us the opportunity to touch consciously, directed by the energy, tuned in to one another and to the sensation on the deepest level.

One of my favourite ways of working with this is through Bondassage.  Restraints play with trust and surrender.  They help us to let go, to drop all thought of performance and simply be with the feeling.  Any form of restraint with a loving, conscious partner can be deeply healing, allowing us to move past the chronic need to do and control, helping us to drop fully into the present moment.  Blindfolds allow us to release the need to see, the need to know what’s happening and to engage on a mental level.  The receiver’s awareness is brought to the sensations rising within and playing across the body, no need to act, to perform, to plan, to do.  Surrender and feel.  Just Be.

Also, any form of BDSM is just as much an art of presence for the conscious, caring giver as it is for the receiver.  To provide amazing sensual experiences to a partner, we have to tune in to them on the deepest level, to follow the energy within ourselves, and to observe how it moves within them.

This is the core of tantra.  It is an exploration of our energy, unlocking feelings, expanding awareness, coming into the moment, and following where it leads.  Dropping out of the mind and into the heart, into the body.

Any time we listen within, tuning into the sensation and allowing ourselves to move with it, we are stepping into a tantric way of being.  We are tapping into our subtle energies, our Shakti force, our Chi, the creative force at the core of our beings. This is a deeply healing and vitalising experience.  It’s a movement beyond form or expectation and into an exquisite, organic dance of energy, feeling, and life.

I had a friend pass away recently. It was one of those things that came as a bit of a shock. Left me not quite sure how to feel, and I found some heavy thoughts floating through. He was the same age as me, and I couldn’t help but reflect on my own life. If I were to die right now, how would I feel about it?

Life is precious. It’s a gift, every moment of it. An opportunity to step out and live, to be, fully and unapologetically. I want to live without regrets, able to look back upon my life and know that I have lived, that I have dared to reach into the depths and embrace all of who I am. On every front. I want my life to be one that’s been lived to the fullest. No regrets, no aspect of myself that I have left unexplored. For any reason.

In looking back, I can see that I’ve spent long spaces of my life holding back. I held back and hid because of fear, because of the expectation of judgment, because of how I thought I should act, or what I thought I shouldn’t do. I feel like this is something we all do to some degree, many of us spending years or even decades hiding and playing it safe, doing the “oughts” and “shoulds”, keeping those juicy little parts of ourselves in the dark, sometimes until it’s too late.

In a way, these thoughts brought me to a liberating space. Life is too short to let any fears or any judgments get in the way of living. At the same time, while we’re still alive, it’s never too late. At any moment, we can let go of fear and step into those exciting spaces that beg to be experienced, into all those fantasies that call for our attention and wait for us to live them out. Nothing can hold any of us back but ourselves. The time is now, and it’s the only time we have.

While all of these thoughts were swirling around in the back of my mind, I ran across a beautiful article in the Huffington post. Read it here.

This is the inspiring account of a sixty-year old dominatrix, shown fully in her power and glory. Magnificent, sensual, and gorgeous. Living her fantasies and sharing them with the world. I don’t think anyone who looks at her would say that she’s too old to live out her mistress. She’s stunning, and age is irrelevant. Her beauty comes from the full embrace of her power, no apologies, and no holding back. It comes through with a sense of joy and vibrancy, a sense of full aliveness that makes age a non-issue. This shows me what is possible for me, and for each of us.

My takeaway is that it’s never too late to indulge all of those secret fantasies that float through our minds. While we’re still alive, the world is our oyster. This is the message that’s dropping in for me at the moment, and one that I’d like to share with each of you. If you have a dom inside that’s been hiding out all these years, the time is now. If there’s a mistress that whispers from the back of your mind, flitting juicy little thoughts of sensual play through in those uncensored moments, let her out. There’s a whole world of sexuality and sensation, power and surrender, a rich and vibrant aspect of life and relating that heals, awakens, and empowers each of us if we allow it to enter our lives.

As I look out, I see the sun shining brightly, feel the wind on my face, hear the leaves rustling. The world feels rich and full of life. And I feel a juicy little rumbling inside. My inner mistress wants to come out and play. And I’m going to let her.

It’s always been there.

That sneaky little secret. That tiny lurking desire, right at the corner of your mind’s eye.

You know the one I’m talking about. The one that wishes that your lover would just push you down on the bed, slip your panties off and slide their tongue between your legs. Tease you until you can’t help yourself and you’re screaming to have them inside you. Or maybe that edge of intense craving that makes you want to turn over, pin them down and take them like you want them.

Sex and power.

There’s a primal side to our nature and it needs to be expressed. Honoured. And every once in a while, when we drop the polite act, the good behaviour we’ve been trained to along the way, our primal side gets to come out and play. We reach out and press our lover down, envelop them with the intensity of our desire and take them. Or they do the same to us.

This primal nature, the animal intensity within, is part of being human. And it’s an amazing part, if not one of the greatest joys of being alive. In fact, it is the source of our life force, our joy and drive, our will and healing. Sex is an act of sharing, of expressing some of our deepest desires, showing our most vulnerable, most intense, most passionate selves. And at the core, this deals with power. Both taking and giving it away.

This is what Bondassage and what all of BDSM is really about. It’s an opportunity to honour these secret passions, to look our deepest nature in the face and give it full expression. It’s a chance to move into a place of acceptance of these desires, as healthy and right. As part of what it means to be a vital, empowered and sensitive human being.

When we trust ourselves to step out of our everyday, ordinary roles, we allow ourselves to move into spontaneous, exciting and passionate depths, to places that polite society says we’re not supposed to talk about.

We give ourselves permission to take control and to give control of ourselves to another.

This means shining a light on those hidden desires and letting them be seen. And it means moving into a place of trust. Trusting ourselves to act from those depths of intensity and to be received. Trusting our lover to take control and show us how healing and exciting it can be to really let go.

Society has cast a shadow on these more primal sides of being human, on being sexually authentic, free and empowered. But this shadow is undeserved. Those who have dipped into the deeper side of their beings are healthier and more comfortable with themselves. They know who they are and what they want, and they know that, regardless of anything we’ve been programmed to believe, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Authenticity and consciousness in relating is more than just being honest and calm when explaining what’s been bothering you. It also means letting yourself explore those juicy exciting bits of sensuality, within yourself and in your partner. It means opening the doors that were locked for no good reason and letting the energy move you, in whatever way that it wants to. Sincerity means screaming your pleasure at the top of your lungs and knowing that it’s beautiful for this ecstasy to be moving through your body, your voice and your entire being.

Let yourself be, and accept yourself exactly as you are. In all those passionate, primal moments. In every way that your passion wants to express itself through you. Let yourself be fully human, fully alive and fully free.