I had a friend pass away recently. It was one of those things that came as a bit of a shock. Left me not quite sure how to feel, and I found some heavy thoughts floating through. He was the same age as me, and I couldn’t help but reflect on my own life. If I were to die right now, how would I feel about it?

Life is precious. It’s a gift, every moment of it. An opportunity to step out and live, to be, fully and unapologetically. I want to live without regrets, able to look back upon my life and know that I have lived, that I have dared to reach into the depths and embrace all of who I am. On every front. I want my life to be one that’s been lived to the fullest. No regrets, no aspect of myself that I have left unexplored. For any reason.

In looking back, I can see that I’ve spent long spaces of my life holding back. I held back and hid because of fear, because of the expectation of judgment, because of how I thought I should act, or what I thought I shouldn’t do. I feel like this is something we all do to some degree, many of us spending years or even decades hiding and playing it safe, doing the “oughts” and “shoulds”, keeping those juicy little parts of ourselves in the dark, sometimes until it’s too late.

In a way, these thoughts brought me to a liberating space. Life is too short to let any fears or any judgments get in the way of living. At the same time, while we’re still alive, it’s never too late. At any moment, we can let go of fear and step into those exciting spaces that beg to be experienced, into all those fantasies that call for our attention and wait for us to live them out. Nothing can hold any of us back but ourselves. The time is now, and it’s the only time we have.

While all of these thoughts were swirling around in the back of my mind, I ran across a beautiful article in the Huffington post. Read it here.

This is the inspiring account of a sixty-year old dominatrix, shown fully in her power and glory. Magnificent, sensual, and gorgeous. Living her fantasies and sharing them with the world. I don’t think anyone who looks at her would say that she’s too old to live out her mistress. She’s stunning, and age is irrelevant. Her beauty comes from the full embrace of her power, no apologies, and no holding back. It comes through with a sense of joy and vibrancy, a sense of full aliveness that makes age a non-issue. This shows me what is possible for me, and for each of us.

My takeaway is that it’s never too late to indulge all of those secret fantasies that float through our minds. While we’re still alive, the world is our oyster. This is the message that’s dropping in for me at the moment, and one that I’d like to share with each of you. If you have a dom inside that’s been hiding out all these years, the time is now. If there’s a mistress that whispers from the back of your mind, flitting juicy little thoughts of sensual play through in those uncensored moments, let her out. There’s a whole world of sexuality and sensation, power and surrender, a rich and vibrant aspect of life and relating that heals, awakens, and empowers each of us if we allow it to enter our lives.

As I look out, I see the sun shining brightly, feel the wind on my face, hear the leaves rustling. The world feels rich and full of life. And I feel a juicy little rumbling inside. My inner mistress wants to come out and play. And I’m going to let her.

It’s always been there.

That sneaky little secret. That tiny lurking desire, right at the corner of your mind’s eye.

You know the one I’m talking about. The one that wishes that your lover would just push you down on the bed, slip your panties off and slide their tongue between your legs. Tease you until you can’t help yourself and you’re screaming to have them inside you. Or maybe that edge of intense craving that makes you want to turn over, pin them down and take them like you want them.

Sex and power.

There’s a primal side to our nature and it needs to be expressed. Honoured. And every once in a while, when we drop the polite act, the good behaviour we’ve been trained to along the way, our primal side gets to come out and play. We reach out and press our lover down, envelop them with the intensity of our desire and take them. Or they do the same to us.

This primal nature, the animal intensity within, is part of being human. And it’s an amazing part, if not one of the greatest joys of being alive. In fact, it is the source of our life force, our joy and drive, our will and healing. Sex is an act of sharing, of expressing some of our deepest desires, showing our most vulnerable, most intense, most passionate selves. And at the core, this deals with power. Both taking and giving it away.

This is what Bondassage and what all of BDSM is really about. It’s an opportunity to honour these secret passions, to look our deepest nature in the face and give it full expression. It’s a chance to move into a place of acceptance of these desires, as healthy and right. As part of what it means to be a vital, empowered and sensitive human being.

When we trust ourselves to step out of our everyday, ordinary roles, we allow ourselves to move into spontaneous, exciting and passionate depths, to places that polite society says we’re not supposed to talk about.

We give ourselves permission to take control and to give control of ourselves to another.

This means shining a light on those hidden desires and letting them be seen. And it means moving into a place of trust. Trusting ourselves to act from those depths of intensity and to be received. Trusting our lover to take control and show us how healing and exciting it can be to really let go.

Society has cast a shadow on these more primal sides of being human, on being sexually authentic, free and empowered. But this shadow is undeserved. Those who have dipped into the deeper side of their beings are healthier and more comfortable with themselves. They know who they are and what they want, and they know that, regardless of anything we’ve been programmed to believe, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Authenticity and consciousness in relating is more than just being honest and calm when explaining what’s been bothering you. It also means letting yourself explore those juicy exciting bits of sensuality, within yourself and in your partner. It means opening the doors that were locked for no good reason and letting the energy move you, in whatever way that it wants to. Sincerity means screaming your pleasure at the top of your lungs and knowing that it’s beautiful for this ecstasy to be moving through your body, your voice and your entire being.

Let yourself be, and accept yourself exactly as you are. In all those passionate, primal moments. In every way that your passion wants to express itself through you. Let yourself be fully human, fully alive and fully free.

Kink is exciting. It can spice up an already juicy sex life, and bring a spark back into the bedroom when the fires have been growing dim. Many couples are interested in exploring how BDSM can rev up their sexual experience, but it can be hard to know where to start. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that kinky sexual play is wrong, or it’s the sort of thing that “other” people do. Even when both partners are curious, the subject might not come up because both feel afraid to talk about it or unsure how to broach the subject. So here are a few tips for those of you who want to bring more excitement into the bedroom, while showing your partner you respect and value them.

1. Communication

One of the biggest obstacles to a truly fulfilling relationship is a lack of communication. This is even more true for developing and maintaining a really juicy sex life with your partner. If you want to bring kink into the relationship, you have to begin with a firm foundation of trust and respect. Be open to what your partner has to express. Open up the conversation to hear about their desires and fantasies. You may be surprised at what comes up, and it’s guaranteed to be exciting. There’s nothing more sexy than being heard and accepted when you’re sharing your deepest and most vulnerable desires. Kink doesn’t need to be a joke, and there’s no reason to fear it or be embarrassed by it. In fact, it is a bonus in a healthy love life, something that can bring the heat back into the bedroom when things have gotten a bit stale. When you open up and share with your loved one, you open the door to a whole new world of exploration and excitement.

2. Do Your Homework

When you take the first step into unknown territory, things can get a little clumsy. While a bit of feeling it out is necessary when exploring the frontiers of conscious kink, one of the biggest mistakes people make is trying to bring kink in without really knowing what they’re doing. Kink isn’t something you parrot from what you’ve seen in porn movies. Many of us have a distorted understanding of BDSM and sensory play from things we’ve seen on TV or heard from others, and many of these things are exaggerated or misrepresented.

S&M sessions, when done respectfully, are agreed upon in advance. They are respectful of the comfort levels of both individuals, and done with the absolute consent of the submissive, the partner that relinquishes control. In reality, the sub, or submissive, actually controls the experience. Furthermore, respect and loving attention in BDSM means providing aftercare to the sub to allow them to return from subspace gracefully and gently. These are just a few details that everyone should be aware of before stepping into kinky play, but don’t stop there. There are a number of books that give solid and clear details for every aspect of BDSM. In fact, perusing the material with your lover can be a beautiful introduction to sensory play. Here are a few to get you started:

• The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino
• Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers by Jaeleen Bennis & Eve Minax
• Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink: Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays by Midori

3. Take it Slow

One of the most common mistakes made when people first step into the world of sensory play is to rush straight into experiences that your partner isn’t prepared for. Even the subtlest edge of kink can be incredibly for those who haven’t dipped their feet into the pool, and bringing out the big guns can be pretty intimidating when it’s your first time. Start slow, bringing a little touch of spanking here, a bit of bondage there. Work your way into it so that you and your partner are on the same page, eager to explore whatever level of sensory play that both of you are comfortable with. Verbal role-play is a beautiful introduction, and if you’d like to try bondage, work with silk scarves first. Taking it slow lets you adapt to your partners comfort levels and desires, and makes for a much more conscious (and safer) experience than leaping in headfirst.

4. Give Yourself Room to Learn

Many people hesitate to bring in role-play or sensory play because they’re afraid of “doing it wrong.” They might feel silly when they imagine themselves tying up their partner, stepping into the role of dom, or incorporating spanking into the bedroom for the first time. It’s easy to freeze up when we are afraid of doing things imperfectly, not performing up to our imagined standards. The most important thing to remember is that BDSM is meant to be a fun and fulfilling experience for both involved. It’s sexual play, not performance or perfection. Let the feeling be light and easy. It’s all about the connection between you and your lover. There’s no one to impress, and we all need time to grow into the experience. It’s alright to fumble, fart, or otherwise drop the character when it naturally slips. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and let a laugh ease the tension when things come up. The more you can both have fun and play, the more fulfilling the experience will be.

Couples don’t usually start out kinky. It’s something you grow into over time. While some of us are natural sexual explorers, most have been introduced to it by a partner and found it exciting and fun. Introducing sensory play and bondage into the bedroom is often a result of one partner opening up about their fantasies, and the other giving them a chance to indulge in their desires. And if things are done with love, consciousness, and respect, the result is deeply rewarding. The willingness to try new things and step out of comfort zones is the key to stepping into a world of new passion and excitement. The other half of that is respect. Kinky play is a shared experience, a mutual expansion of boundaries and exploration of possibilities. If you’re willing to take the opportunity to co-create new experiences with your lover, you’ll bring a thrill into a good sex-life, and might even rescue one that has run the risk of declining into boredom. Take a chance, and be open to feedback. You’ll step into a new level of satisfaction, excitement, and fulfillment.